a Life Is Difficult entry

I had a genuine talk with a solicitor today. It helped that it was for worldwide refugees and backed by the UN (interesting!) and that he was a Japanophile (we talked about Japan too). Anyway, I like it when strangers become human beings.

However! I have no intention of saving refugees with monthly donations. Which I told him, but I used the excuse that I have no income, which is true but not the main reason. I don’t want to feed / give medicine to refugees because there are too many people in the world. I know it’s not fair, but sometimes things need to take their course. If Somalia is no longer a place where Homo sapien can survive, then maybe no one should live there. So they migrate to a land where there is food / water, okay. But if there are too many people crowding Kenya because of that, the number of people need to decrease.

It sounds heartless, but only because us first-world country people are wrecked with guilt! Okay, no, that was too AynRandian. I care about people, but I care A LOT about people. Saving people now = killing SO MANY later when the earth is overOVERfilled with people and famine & war are inevitable. [Oh man, I just realized: maybe I only care about it when it is a threat to my future generations..]

It’s difficult!! Yes, we have medicine to cure people, so why not stop suffering and cure them all? It makes sense and it’s nice. I like nice! With my donation, a child can have a blanket so they’re not freezing at night. I like having blankets too, and it’s only $15. Ah, feel good! But then what?

It’s hard because I understand completely how awesome it is to help those who are in need. But I don’t see how it helps anything in the long run. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. I wonder what Confucius would say. Or Socrates.

And, like, I want kids.

writing and reading

I came across a website (advicetowriters.com) via my Reader and now I’m really inspired to write more! But only as a therapeutic outlet, ’cause the times I’m most confused are when I go weeks without writing in my diary. Although someday I’d like to write and illustrate a children’s book! Maybe I’ll get into that when I have my own to test on (on which to test).

I like words! I’m learning ~40 words a day for 50 days to prep for the GRE in September. Words that start with ab- and ad- are confusing, but now I’m at am- to ap- and it’s pretty fun. I’d like these words to be in my brain forever, but that doesn’t happen naturally. I read somewhere “Don’t worry about memorizing everything right now. You’re young; the things you need to know, you will learn as you grow.” But I’m kinda grown (twenty-two, what what!) and I want to know more words. = time to read!!

Jermababy loves reading and blogs about it and MAN I wanna be a bookworm too!! I’m stuck a fourth into Pygmalion, so I guess that is what is going on. I also want to reread Dr. Doolittle (in Japanese) again, I loved it when I was in 2nd grade and I want to improve my Japanese reading. I could be a bookworm again but. But nothing, so yeah. Ooh I’m also stuck at a tenth into Mark Twain’s autobiography; I read Tina Fey’s autobio, loved it, and delved into Twain’s, expecting the same fast-paced hilarity. BUT NOPE! Mark Twain is funny, but he is not a comedian.

My future is taking some form again and it is FUN! A Master’s can get me a job in teaching without having to get a credential. DID YOU KNOW??? So, I do some animal work, and when I’m satisfied, I teach Calculus and get summer breaks. OKAY, AWESOME. And then I own a bison farm. And a restaurant. And a summer house in Sweden. Now I know why/when I’m a happy person, it’s ’cause my dreams are huge and I laugh in the face of danger, HA HA HA! am running. Figuratively. Slowly.

What else. I love Los Angeles.

Birthday!

Birthday happened two day after I got back from Hawaii, whatcrazy!

I broke my phone two days before the end of the trip (just by dropping it on the hotel floor too; no water no shatters no drama but oh so sad. I totally had a dream where it turned back on. My subconscious is kinda cruel.) so it was even crazier ’cause it was all, whoa, I have no one’s number!

The first sentence sounds like my birthdays switch up on me sometimes.

Boyfriend arrived at my door birthday morning with a dozen red roses!! EEEEEeeeeee <3 Then for some reason it was past my meeting time with friendsos??!, but it was all cool 'cause we went to Casa Arigato and it was delicious and I love my friendsos! And then Mommy took us out to Rock Sugar which is asian fusion pretty delicious ness. Except the person who made lassis that night was not as amazing as the person who made my lassis three years ago. What up. Mommy said Rock Sugar was where she planned to have “Layla’s first drink”. I was kinda on a plane last year, but I love finding out that Mommy has all these things she wants to do with/for me. Mommy <3<3<3

And theeeen, off to Sweet Rose Creamery where they homemake everything, including brittle topping and marshmallows. Then a roaring pop-up lion birthday card and a lion bathroom set. EEEEEeee! FRIENDSOS!!

It's weird that the birthday comes after the year. I'm living my 23rd year right now. So a birthday celebration marks the end of one year, but we celebrate it as if it's a beginning, 'cause all this year I'll be saying I'm 22. Would it be weirder to celebrate a 23rd birthday and then say you're 22 the whole year? Yes. I gueeeesssssssss. I kinda liked my “huh, isn’t that weird,” but it’s actually not weird.

Oh! Slow, burning luminescence = glowing?! I want to glow?!
No, I prefer “slow, burning luminescence”.

Havai-ee

Three days after graduation, I went to Hawai’i!

The nature there >>>>> shopping/food there, by FAR. A little sad about the food thing. I want to go to Thailand. But kayaking to an island! Having sea turtles greet us as we kayaked along!! Hiking to a waterfall and then meditating under it in bikinis! OH OH! Their chocolate macadamia nut coconut pancakes are SO delicious; one redeeming point for Hawaiian cuisine. Everyone thought we were locals. The locals thought we were locals. Three Japanese girls and three Filipinos — yeaup, definitely local.

We rented a car, so I drove a lot! People drive right on or under the speed limit; I got so used to it that even yesterday when I drove to Hollywood I was driving at barely 65. Apparently it’s the hang-loose thing. Their traffic signs have “minimum 40mph” written on them. Hilarious!! And cute!

I like driving. It made the trip extra fun ’cause I learned the streets. We stayed on Oahu for the 5 days we were there, and we did an almost whole-island loop as a day-trip. The whole thing in one day, dude. Small islands are weird. But they’re also really AWEsome ’cause wherever we stopped on Kamehameha Hwy there was a beach or a lookout point with ≥180° of huge ocean.

We also snorkeled! The beaches are so nice and pretty and warm, I cringe when I think about Redondo Beach. Colorful coral fishes vs clinging seaweed. Sea turtles napping vs dying flies. Cringe.

I didn’t know anything about Hawaii before I left. It had a much weirder culture than I thought, both locally (White is minority but still most powerful, thus kinda not as welcomed) and touristically (SO MANY Japanese girls looking for American hubbies). So I’m glad I’m an asian girl. And dang I love L.A.

BUT OH, the rainbows were so cute!

いちばんの輝きの時

My grandma sent me an email congratulating me on graduating and turning 22, and said my life was currently the above, which means “the shiniest moment”. I like it! Because I don’t know what I’m doing right now, but it helps a lot to think of it as a break after my super shiny moment.

A while ago, maybe when I was 15ish, I decided that the word I wanted most to embody was “sparkle”. But right now I’m feeling a more slow, burning luminance. What’s a good word for that?

Also, she said that it was my life’s shiniest, but I’ll take it as shiniest moment in the last 6 months. Or maybe 1 month? I dunno Grandma, I’m kinda full of shinytimes.

Amy Rubin Flett

She lives in Canada with her husband, toddler, a dog and a cow. She makes super cute postcards!

Her etsy profile.

This makes me want to make things: (Actually, I started making a dress this weekend, but I left it half-done. Next time I’m in Torrance I’ll finish it & post it!)

I didn’t care for the concept of ‘home’ until some point last year when Mom wasn’t renting out our rooms and Neo & I were home and we were all in our rooms doing our own thing, just like in high school, and it felt SO nice, so comfy.

I want to get to this point in life:

At first I thought it was going to be a sad postcard (’cause settling down scares me), but then the “spring in her step” at the end made me think. Usually ‘this is it’ has a negative connotation, but in positive, happy-discovery light, it is so extremely positive.

I like her!

“You gotta fake it all the way until death!”

http://minnesota.publicradio.org/radio/programs/wits/2010/sweeney.shtml

Oh my gawd, Julia Sweeney is amazing! She’s a 51yo lady comedian/author who was a cast member on SNL ’90-’94. She is hilarious! I just read the first page of her blog. So smart, so funny!

I listened to the audio of Wits (the link above), and mostly it’s about how terrifying parenting is and how it is really like being put into another world. It’s like how my mom says that no one can ever be prepared for parenting, no matter how long you wait. Like, at any age it’s gonna be terrifying and life-changing. So then I’m like, heck, I want one now! But that’s a life-long commitment, and my future is unpredictable even without a kid, so I guess no, I don’t want one now.

When I have a lot of alone time during the day (no class on Wednesdays!), I become very happy and inspired, ’cause it’s sunny out and I’m looking at pretty things on Google Reader or watching good videos or whatever. So right now, I’m pretty dang optimistic about my future! I’m gonna study the GREs this summer and apply to CA grad schools. And take the LA Zoo Animal Caretaker class whenever that is offered. I gotta call my brother about maybe getting my car back (Mom DID buy it for me! And I need it!). So yes. Julia Sweeney is inspiring and so I am happy. “Surround yourself with things and people who [that?] inspire you.” Okay, will do!

Speaking of just wanting to have fun, I went to Coachella this year! Three days in Indio, CA, which is even deeper into the hot desert than Palm Springs. Three days of 6 fantastic stages, music playing all day every day. So many hippies and hipsters, finding the little shade there was to not die of dehydration.

I liked The Aquabats best. They’re a ska rock band, and they are amazing live because they make the concert a show. They had costumed people/things on stage that went with each song! SO FUN! I was toward the front, the moshpit made the concert more exciting. I thought about telling Boy, “My exboyfriend took me to see The Aquabats in LA! That was my second concert ever! So much fun!” but thought better of it.

I liked the sexy that is Erykah Badu. The Strokes was a proper rock band, with the completely inebriated singer word-vomiting between songs. I liked all of it! I like music and people and lit-up stages.

I wanna go to Coachella with my mom, I think that’d be funnest.

I realized yesterday that I am irresponsible.

I just wanna have fun, and so far that’s been easy for me. I am a happy person, I am naturally high and think about exciting & inspiring things all the time. In any situation, I always find the most comfortable place to be and chill out.

But you’re starting to change, you’re planning your life, and I don’t like it. I don’t wanna be a part of that, I just want you to be a part of my life, not the other way around. I can handle adding you into my life, but I cannot be added to yours. I have to have my own life.

But 80k is still a lot of money, what do I do?

I should probably be talking about this with him instead of blogging it, but again, I’m irresponsible.

I have the cold and my stomach feels bad, but I don’t think the two are related.

I’m going through Google Reader (Jerline I love it when you update a thousand entries) and listening to Jack Johnson, so I’m in a good mood! The future is scary, stop it, I want my inspiring future back! Maybe 80k isn’t so bad.

＠(‘ェ’)＠ Bahhhh

Senior year in college is much much harder than anyone’s ever told me. I’ve always thought I had my whole life figured out. But I don’t! I don’t know what I’ll be doing in four months! It’s super scary. I know whatever path I choose I’ll know how to be happy.. but I don’t wanna choose, I don’t wanna grow, I don’t wanna!

I got into Lund University, yay! But I just realized that it’s $80k total for the two years. Are those two years really worth a lifetime of paying back loans? Possibly. There’s a possibility that I’ll get a nice job coming out of grad school and $80k would seem like a great investment in that scenario.

My stomach hurts ’cause I don’t wanna think. As long as I’m not thinking about the future, I’m super happy. Which is new to me; the ‘future’ has always been inspiring and exciting for me. At this point, it seems like whatever path I choose, a part of my heart will break. SO DRAMATIC but it’s trueeeee!

I’m happy. I love my friends, I love my mom, I love my boyfriend, I love my current life. I don’t wanna let go! >:T

Boyfriend got a rice cooker so I’d have food to eat at his place. HAHAHA LOVE!!!